Words of the Week: Sie and du

Every German class J and I have taken in the US (including in-person classes, podcasts, online classes, etc), heavily emphasize that Germans are very formal. In the German language, there are 2 ways to address someone in the first person, formally or informally (much like in Spanish and probably other romance languages). You have the formal "Sie," where you refer to someone as Mr./Ms. Lastname (Herr/Frau Nachname), and the informal "du, "where you refer to someone by their first name (Vorname).

All of our US-based German classes and resources told us ad nauseum that one should always use the Sie form except when speaking to relatives or very close friends. For example:

• You're talking to a coworker that you know well. What form should you use? Sie!
• You're talking to the person behind the counter at a shop. What form should you use? Sie!
• You're talking to your neighbor of 5 years. What form should you use? Sie!

Seems easy enough: just address everyone except family with the formal "Sie" and you're all set. However, here are the situations in which I have heard people use the informal address or been asked to use the informal address:

• With anyone remotely of the same age unless it's at the bank or immigration office.
• With coworkers.
• With neighbors.
• With the barista at Starbucks.
• With the hired catsitter.

All of these scenarios would, according to our US classes, require the use of "Sie" without exception. But in all of these cases, "du" has been used almost exclusively.

For example: Our apartment building hosted a cookout in the garden behind the building this evening, and everyone addressed each other (including me) with the informal "du." It was totally fine and expected for me to address people I had never spoken to before by their first names and "du," including people a good 40 years older than me. I had anticipated using the formal form of address, so it was a huge surprise!

For this reason, figuring out when to use the formal (Sie) versus informal (du) form of address is a source of endless confusion for me. I know it's safer to use "Sie" than to appear rude, but, at the same time, using Sie in the wrong situation makes one sound standoffish and stuffy. My current strategy is to wait for the other person to introduce him/herself. If the person says their last name, I do the same and address them with the Sie form and call them Herr/Frau Lastname. If the person gives their first name, I give mine as well and address them with the du form. It's not a foolproof method, but it's the best I can do. Sometimes if I'm really not sure, I'll just ask.

But a few situations don't work with my method: With the catsitter, I used "Sie" initially and then we mutually agreed to start using "du" and our first names. The landlord and I call each other by our first names, but continue to use the formal "Sie" in conversation. And at church, one refers to fellow churchgoers and the pastor as well as God and Jesus using "du."

So confusing! And I am not the only one who feels this way. Turns out even native speakers have the same difficulty (here, here, and here).

The US courses and materials paint the issue so much more black-and-white than it really is. I wonder if perhaps many US courses use outdated materials from a time when Germans were a bit (okay, a lot) more formal...Or maybe Köln is just a more informal city than other places in Germany?...Or maybe the curriculum authors figure it's better to train students to automatically use Sie in order to avoid being rude? Who knows...it may be one of those things that I never 100% figure out. And maybe some day before we move I can sit down with a native speaker and perhaps tease out the proper usage a bit more!